jan 8th 2012
15.35
wendyhouse
sat down,writing everythign on my mind..
all the time thinking of him and he talk we had xxx
sleepless nights and stressful thoughts,
of a Sugarbaby not knowing what to say,
or if i did would it count anyway?
but then i did,and he did say things too..
bits and pieces of answers to questions
that were asked,more so,by me...
how had it was to feel the way i do,
and at the same time have to feel
the way i have to,for the sole
reason that i am a Sugarbaby...
i read articles about it,and some may say
that how i feel is foolish..
but some have also said that they feel the same feelings
i have on their respective SD/SB relationships,
there was a man who actually wrote and admittedthat he love his SB
a lot and had to sit down too with her to clarify things as he thought she was searching
for another one!!!
so,how funny it is that instances can be ... avoided?stopped?controlled?
but still they come as so much surprise when things develop differently on what you planned xxx
he wants to concentrate on his things,
work he says that needs his attention a lot...
was he searching for another Sugarbaby?
his answer was no,but then i had to ask cos otherwise i would never know...
dreadful to think that he is or he may have now,
a gf or something in between...
it was hard to describe how i felt,
but it made me feel awful,blimey and i thought,omg this is crazy!!!
what is going on with me?
all these emotions i feel for one person,
is just sometimes even me amazes ME...
and i think before i was a tough cookie lol
so,is this the point when i say,i should just let go?
it was on my mind,because i know very well this is so much
familiar now,the process of getting hurt..
the antagonizing wait of getting over the pain..
where all in my mind last night..
as the conversation went through,
we were having dinner and i thought
i hope i say all in the right way..
as i most of the times just blurt things out of the blue
ah,i thought,i count to 5 before i say things and maybe they
will come out right!
haha
wether they did or not,
i had to say what i can last night xxx
the scene was,to describe it,
we were there having steak dinner,
i was wanting to ask some questions,
and he will say his opinions as well..
but in my mind i wanted to ask?
'are you made of toast?'
haha i know it sounds off lol
the reason behind is,to cut the thickness in the air
for all those things i have left unsaid :)
and so,out of nervousness,i didnt ask it anyway lol
things i wanted to say,
he said things first to break the ice i think...
yeah,he cant be anymore with me like he did in the past..
all his reasons were said,
but i thought,if thats how he felt then,thats how it will be anyway..
cant force anyone to do more than they say...
felt a pinch in my heart..
the suggestion of maybe finding /accepting another SD who he says maybe willing to be
here 100% for me..because he cant be ....
felt a pinch in my heart
in my mind i know its easy to say...to do that
for the sake of filling the shoes of someone who cant...
and maybe i was not active enough in doing so,i felt i had to wait until
we had it all cleared up,whether this is a monogamous relationship or not...
this was my first question to him,thus,the words he said,maybe i find another one ...
i think i need some air now and be back to finish this in a while ....
17.04
came back from a brief walk to the village...
returning to the talk...
i remember him saying,he was happy to keep me though,
another few months,
and a few months again,,,,
lol
he was happy to have me and keep me the way we are for the rest of his life ...
